5 Steps for Communicating Across Differences
"It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences." — Audre Lorde
How do we have better conversations?
When I started Inclusion Nation in 2018, one of my main objectives as both a business owner prioritizing well-being and a mom prioritizing my family, was being able to spend my summers traveling the world with my kids. The reason has never changed: so my family and I can experience the multitude of cultures that exist in this tiny blue planet we call home.
So this missive I write from a boat sailing across the Adriatic Sea. It's about the importance of communicating not just across language and cultural barriers, but all kinds of differences that arise between us. To paraphrase the great Audre Lorde, it is incumbent on us as humans sharing this world to do a better job learning to communicate with each other. It's hard, but here are the five ways I always share in my trainings on how to communicate across differences successfully.
1. Understand your discomfort: Start by recognizing you will feel uncomfortable and learn from that discomfort. What makes you fearful? What makes you angry? What makes you embarassed? What can you learn from all of those? The more you can understand the emotions underlying your discomfort, the more successful you will be at using that discomfort to hold better conversations.
2. Center the Conversation on the Marginalized Person or Community: Focus on the person who is part of the out-group; think about what it feels like to experience microaggressions, bias, exclusion. Take the perspective of that person and center your conversation on what they are experiencing rather than on your own discomfort.
3. Build Trust and Empathy: I could cite a million articles on trust. But I will just leave you with this: build a space for your conversation partner to trust you and in so doing, gain the same empathy that you are showing to them. Do you apologize? Do you listen? Do you ask for clarification? Do you keep conversations confidential? Do you engage rather than deflect? How are you showing your conversation partner they can trust you? Build that trust and these conversations will become easier every single time.
4. Have Goals in Your Conversation: Don't start a difficult conversation for no reason at all. Are you sharing feedback? Are you seeking to better understand an issue? Are you sharing your point of view? Understand the purpose of your conversation because if and when it derails, knowing where you were going will make it that much easier to get back on track.
5. Focus on Listening, Not Talking: Come prepared to listen and be genuinely interested in what someone else has to say. What do they want you to hear? What do they need from you? Why are they telling you this? Turn down that voice in your head that says you'd rather be doing anything else than being here. Be present for someone else. Remember, this difficult conversation isn't easy for them either.
You want inclusion? This is how we get there. Understanding differences and successfully communicating across them are crucial to real progress and change. It's a small blue world we live in. Let's all do a better job of sharing it.
Do the work
This week, I commit to putting the above steps into practice in order to foster understanding and build stronger relationships.
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Across the globe, words have become so charged that debates and discussion quickly veer into anger and accusations. We see it again and again, in our workplaces, our homes, our schools, our lives. And yet, we cannot move forward on inclusion and belonging unless we can successfully share our own perspectives while recognizing the perspectives of others. But having those conversations without the right preparation can lead to anger, frustration, and the belief that tackling difference is not worth all the conflict it brings. That’s where A More Perfect Union enters.
In A More Perfect Union, we start with the possibility, or why these differences matter in our world. Then we move into the reality, using charged phrases and fragmented identites to understand how we became polarized in our silos. Next, we address the solution – civility – the fundamental basis of our shared civilization. Finally, we end with the ten steps we can all take starting now to rebuild a civilization centered on dignity, empathy, respect, and a more perfect union for us all.
