What if I say the wrong thing?
“There is always light, if only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.” – Amanda Gorman
Hello from Trinidad Carnival, everyone! Last week we started Black History Month with how we talk about race. Did you try the experiment? Were you surprised? How colorful was your world? Did you reckon with your truths? As we answer all these and more, there is one question that inevitably comes up when we start to talk about race.
“Michelle, what if I say the wrong thing?”
I have spoken countless times on racial equity in the workplace and this is almost always the first question I get. Here’s what I say.
We have to start by taking apart this myth of “saying the wrong thing.” The automatic thought that if I say the wrong thing on race, I’ll be called a racist, lose my status, and be publicly shamed forever because I heard it happened to someone I don’t even know.
Of course it might happen. Anything “might” happen.
But I want you to think about what is more likely to happen rather than spiraling to the worst case scenario of what almost never happens.
What is the wrong thing you are worried about saying? How will you know you said the wrong thing? Who is the person who told you it was the wrong thing to say? Was it the offended person? Was that person junior to you? Did they report you? Did they keep the hurt to themselves? Did you have a conversation with them? Were they forced to relive their pain to educate you?
Was it six months later that you heard that you said something wrong? A year? What effect did saying the wrong thing have on you? Have on your career? Were you able to come back to work? Were you able to focus on your work? Were they? Was it more damaging to you or the person who you offended? Were they told, “I know David. He’d NEVER say that,” or “Lisa is a good person. That’s not what she meant.” Was the focus on making the offender feel better rather than on making the offended person feel whole?
If at some point, you determined that you did offend the person, did you reach out to make amends? Did you learn what you said was wrong and why? Did you share with your network why it was the wrong thing to say to ensure no one does it again?
Let’s get away from the idea that saying the wrong thing is most hurtful to the offender and not the person offended. Let’s get away from the idea that the person offended has all the power rather than the person doing the offending. In most cases, especially in White-majority organizations, that simply is not true.
You will say the wrong thing. You will hurt someone else. Accept it. Apologize for it. Learn why it was wrong. Don’t do it again. Tell your peers the same. Then do the hard work of using your power and privilege to build proper reporting mechanisms for racism, along with a community of trust centered on inquiry, vulnerability, and humility, rather than ignorance, action, and deflection. That’s the work of anti-racism.
How are you and your team celebrating and honoring the Black History Month? Even small actions can make a lasting effect. Let's all get involved this and every month. Until freedom.
Do the work
This week, I commit to having more meaningful conversations on race, actively listening to others' experiences and perspectives without judgement, being open-minded and willing to learn from different viewpoints, and creating safe and respectful space for dialogue.
Spread the word
If you want to keep going
From Intention to Action: 10
Rules for Allyship in the Workplace
What does it mean to be a good ally at work? How can I be an upstander? How can I find a community of support? And how can I ensure people belong here – and thrive? Join me for an interactive discussion on belonging and allyship at work and how we can each use our roles in our organization’s to build inclusive workplaces that last. With a mix of stories, scenarios, and practical rules of the road, let me show you how to find the courage to be workplace allies who move from good intentions to real action.
