Zendaya, The Oscars, & Healing From Microaggressions
"When I was the only Black girl in that class, when you saw me and told me I was enough. When I told you, 'I don't see myself,' and you said, 'That's fine, we're going to forge our own path. You're going to lay a trail for yourself." - Da'Vine Joy Randolph thanking her acting professor in her Oscars acceptance speech
How to Recover From Microaggressions
Happy Day after the Oscars! What a very very very long award season and congratulations to all the nominees and winners. It is always WORK to put on a live show and I love seeing it come together. Especially for one person. She was one of the very few people to not have a co-presenter last night. And she commanded the stage like a queen. I'm talking, of course, about Zendaya.
Now at her, I believe, fifth Oscars ceremony, Zendaya knows that the Academy will keep asking her to come back over and over again because they know the power, and the viewer ratings, she carries.
But I don't want to talk about Zendaya's fifth Oscars. I want to talk about her first one. In 2015, when she was 18 years old, she attended the Oscars in a gorgeous Vivienne Westwood gown and dreadlocks. Giuliana Rancic, then the co-host of E's red carpet show, said Zendaya looked like "she smells like patchouli oil and weed." Why? Because she was a Black woman wearing dreadlocks.
That's what it feels like to be seen as a stereotype first and a person second. To hear ignorant statements such as those. To be told that your place might be somewhere, but it is not here. And then to also be told, "Oh you misheard me," "I never meant that," "It was just a joke," "Why are you so sensitive?"
In my trainings, I call them microaggressions. I also call them the Death by a Thousand Cuts. Because it's cut by cut to cut you down and make you feel like you are not worthy of the place that you have earned. Zendaya responded with a gracious and incisive social media post about why what was said to her was racist and hurtful. But if you're experiencing it in real-time, here's my advice for you.
5 Steps to Recover from Microaggressions
1. Give yourself space to feel how you feel. In that moment, you might feel angry, you might feel hurt, you might feel sad, you might want to laugh it off, you might want to ignore it, or you might want them to understand why what they did or said was wrong. All of those responses are completely valid. Take the chance to heal yourself first, before you decide whether and how you want to respond to someone else.
2. If you decide that you would like to help this person understand why what they did or said hurt, figure out first what your relationship with this person is. Is it a stranger you met on the playground? Is it a new colleague in your workplace? Is it a mentor you have had for years? Is it your client who has a history of saying these remarks? Think about what effect it will have on you if you engage with this person. Will it affect your immediate safety right now? Will it affect the friendship that you have built? Will it affect your career? That will help decide whether you want to respond or not. You don't always have to be someone else's teacher or healer.
3. Ask them to repeat what they said. Then ask them, "Why?" Why did you say that?" You can even go further, "What did you mean by that?" The reason is two-fold. One, to get them off the defensive where they start denying that they even said anything or that you were hurt. And two, it means they can start the work of figuring out why they said what they said without, again, you having to teach them.
4. As they try to put into words why they said what they did, you can continue, "Here's why what you said hurt me." And then you can keep going, "Here's what you can do differently."
5. Last thing, you control the narrative. Determine what you want to do next. How much will you let someone else's perception of you affect your interaction with your colleagues, peers, mentors, leaders, and friends? If this is a pattern of exclusion, speak with someone who has the power in your workplace to address that. Microaggressions might be micro, but they can add up to a lot, including harassment and discrimination. You reclaim that power and determine what you will do next.
In 2024, Zendaya is a solo Oscar presenter who just opened a $400 million movie - and counting. You deserve to be in this space that you have earned. Don't let anyone take that away from you.
Do the work
This week, I commit to listening actively and with empathy, taking the time to understand different perspectives and experiences, speaking up againt microaggressions when I witness them, and addressing problematic behavior directly and respectfully.
Spread the word
"Most women – 78% – say they experience microaggressions at work."
If you want to keep going
How to Build an Inclusive Workplace That Works for Women
The work of change starts with each of us. But how can we as women continue to design inclusive spaces centered on belonging, equity, and success? That's where this program enters.
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